The way you choose to deal with the things that don’t kill you can make you stronger.
What doesn’t kill you can also make you numb. What doesn’t kill you can make you sadder. What doesn’t kill you can lead to serious and severe consequences. What doesn’t kill you can also make you weaker.
When I first opened up about my childhood sexual abuse story and got diagnosed with PTSD the people around me kept telling me how strong I am or how strong I will become and I couldn’t stand it. I hated the fact that other people kept looking for some “bigger purpose” in my trauma when in all honesty it just fucking sucked and to this day it still does. I am not in any way shape or form grateful for the fact that my abuse made me stronger. If that makes you uncomfortable then you can go ahead and fuck yourself.
I was not strong when my trauma took place and for the years after it. I was full of fear and had no idea how to cope. People thought I was strong because I didn’t cry or break down but in all honesty, all I was at the time was emotionally numb.
I was a child when my trauma took place. I didn’t need to be so-called strong, I needed to be happy, I needed to feel safe, I needed to be innocent. Kids shouldn’t have to be strong they should just be kids. I’m not saying that becoming stronger is a bad thing, I’m just saying that at least in my opinion it isn’t of any true comfort.
Sometimes being strong isn’t really a choice. I am strong but that is by circumstance and not by choice. There are times in which I would give everything and anything in order to be able to be weak. I don’t want to have to be strong, I want to be everything except it. I want to stop fighting for each breath I take. But if I don’t let the “things that don’t kill me” make me stronger they will quite literally kill me.
My abuse has not made me stronger. Recovery, healing, therapy, opening up, and facing my trauma are all factors that have helped me become emotionally stronger. I am not strong because of the bad things that happened to me I am strong in spite of them.
And to other survivors out there just know that it is completely valid if you feel the same way that I do or if you don’t. No matter what other people tell you there is no normal way to feel about such an abnormal situation.
Leave a Reply