A piece I wrote about living in a body of a person who struggles with an eating disorder influenced by sexual abuse.
⚠️Trigger warning: Sexual abuse, rape and eating disorders⚠️
The few moments in which I allow myself to forget that my body deserves my unconditional hate, in which I forget that his touch has made this body his,
In which I forget how used and disgusting I truly am are the only free moments I have.
Those moments are the ones where my breathing suddenly becomes steady and simple once again
The moments when the lump in my throat suddenly disappears, the moments that I am actually here, in which for once I am not controlled by the anxiety and fear
Those few moments have become the only thing keeping me here
Then Mia loves to appear and every shred of happiness suddenly disappears
The fear and isolation suddenly reappear
Once she helps me realize what I’ve done she pulls me over the toilet
Suddenly my fingers are in my mouth
Reminding me that she is still In control
that I will never be safe, not even in my own home.
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