I wish eating disorder recovery was as simple as it seems from the outsider’s point of you. People seem to think that recovering from an eating disorder is easy or straightforward but the reality is that eating disorders are complicated and confusing mental illnesses and recovery isn’t any different. When I first began eating disorder recovery the uneducated comments from my friends and family made everything so much harder. I felt alone and just wanted to feel supported and understood. Of course, they had my best interest in mind but sometimes that isn’t enough. These are the things I wish people knew about eating disorder recovery.
What I Wish People Knew About Eating Disorder Recovery
1. Anorexia Is Not The Only Eating Disorder
Thanks to the media and misinformation people tend to believe that in order to have an eating disorder you must be anorexic. This is very far from the truth. When I tell someone I have an eating disorder a common response I get is “I didn’t know you were anorexic” although I never said I was. There are many different types of eating disorders and they are all real, valid, and serious. Anorexia may be the most well-known kind of eating disorder but it is actually one of the least typical ones. Bulimia, AFRID, EDNOS, and Binge Eating Disorder are all much more common.
2. It’s Not About The Number
Where I am in my recovery does not necessarily have to do with my weight. Eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes and the fact that you think I look “good” doesn’t mean I’m doing well. Losing or gaining weight isn’t always a sign someone is doing better or worse. Remember at the end of the day eating disorders can have physical outcomes but are still mental illnesses. Restoring weight or recovering physically does not automatically mean that the mental damage is repaired. So when commenting on a loved one’s progress in ed recovery leave any weight/size/physical appearance comments out of it. These can be extremely triggering and can cause major setbacks in recovery. Even comments like “you look healthy” or “you look so much better” can be terrifying to someone trying to recover from an eating disorder.
3. Recovery Isn’t Linear
There are good days and there are bad days. Some days everything seems perfect, you enjoy food and live your life to the point you almost forget that you have an eating disorder. Other days you’re stuck in bed, feeling alone and overwhelmed and falling back into old habits. So the fact that ” I was doing great yesterday” or that “all of a sudden my eating is fine” doesn’t invalidate my eating disorder recovery. Recovery is a process and a major part of it is the victories and the so-called “good” days but getting through the harder days isn’t any less important.
Eating disorders completely manipulate and change your way of thinking along with intrusive thoughts and intense feelings around your disorder. Sometimes the eating disorder voice will take over even when trying your very best to stick with recovery. If a loved one in recovery has a setback be sure to remind them that better days are yet to come and that the harder ones don’t take away from the process. Don’t judge because you think that they could have done better or tried harder or maybe in your mind it seems like they’ve given up. Recovery isn’t about being perfect it’s about getting better and fighting for yourself so you can live the life you deserve. Some battles they will win others they will lose but the fact that they are even trying to fight means the world.
4. We Did Not Choose To Be Sick
I used to think that this one goes without being said but boy was I wrong. I used to get told on a daily basis to “just eat more” or “just eat less” or “learn to appreciate your body”. People plain out told me and made me feel as though I wasn’t trying enough or I could try harder while I was fighting for my life. Nobody chooses to be sick and believe me if I could just make it go away I would. As I’ve already mentioned eating disorders are mental illnesses. They are not truly about body weight, physical appearance, or food. The behaviors around eating disorders may often surround these subjects but the source of these disorders is so much deeper. Personally, I developed an eating disorder as a way to cope with sexual trauma. I felt extremely out of control of my body and life and was extremely disgusted by my own body. This on top of other factors caused me to develop an eating disorder as a way to try and “gain control” and hopefully hate myself a bit less. There are many different factors that lead to people developing eating disorders but I promise you it’s never that simple…
5. It Won’t Happen Overnight
Months, years and sometimes decades of experiencing intrusive thoughts and giving into behaviors isn’t something you can heal overnight. Breaking disordered thoughts and behaviors takes time and effort. You can’t expect someone to just let go of things that were a major part of their life for a period of time. Heck, sometimes an eating disorder isn’t just a part of your life it is your life. It consumes you to the point that nothing else exists. You think, breathe, and literally live your disorder. And as much as I would love for there to be a quick fix solution it just doesn’t exist.
6. We Already Know The Consequences
Giving us a speech about how our hair could fall out or our teeth could rot or we could have a heart attack and die is not in any way effective. Neither is explaining how draining ed’s can be and talking about the mental issues that come with eating disorders. Honestly, this isn’t only ineffective but it also takes away from our experience and invalidates what we’ve been through. There’s a reason we are in recovery and believe me we have experienced the consequences first hand. The whole “trying to scare the eating disorder away” tactic just doesn’t and will not work. We know what can happen and we are trying our best to get better so please don’t make us feel any worse for things that are not truly in our control.
7. You Can’t Force Recovery
As hard as it may be to hear you can’t save someone that doesn’t want to be saved. You can’t force or guilt someone to recover. In order to make true progress, you have to be “all in”(of course we all have bad days and can’t be motivated 24\7) and be willing to make significant changes. Recovery is the best choice I’ve ever made but it’s also the hardest thing I’ve ever attempted and if I didn’t want it as bad as I do I would’ve given up a long time ago. The best thing you can do for someone who isn’t interested in recovery is simply suggest help. Remind them that a better life and resources are out there, make sure they know they can still reach out if they change their mind.
8. Each Journey Is Different
It’s completely fine if you don’t know what the right thing to say or do is. Truth being said-neither do we. Eating disorder recovery is complicated and confusing to all parties involved. Don’t be afraid to simply ask. Each person in eating disorder recovery needs different things and has different triggers. So if you truly want to help ask if there is anything you can do or maybe not do. Most importantly don’t judge, if you truly want to help understand that you don’t understand it. If you haven’t recovered from an eating disorder yourself you can’t fully comprehend the extent of what they are going through.
9. We Are Not Our Disorder
There is no denying that an eating disorder can have a serious effect on someone’s life. Still, we are not our disorder and under all the symptoms, breakdowns, and mood swings there is a human being. Don’t forget that we are still so much more than a disorder or an illness. Sometimes even we forget that over time and we have to rediscover ourselves in recovery. In a way recovering from an eating disorder is like learning how to walk all over again. So make sure to be patient and help us see beyond the illness, treat us like your friend\family memeber\loved one. You don’t need to walk on eggshells or hide your problems from us. Let us be “normal”. With all the instability in our lives and in our minds help us at least find peace in knowing that we can still have real, healthy relationships.
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