Childhood sexual abuse oftentimes has long-term effects on an individual. These are some feelings and habits that I personally struggle with due to my sexual trauma that I’m sure other survivors can relate to.
Personally, my experience with grooming trauma has had a tremendous effect on my life. I want survivors to know that they are not alone and that they are not to be blamed for the aftermath of the things they have gone through.
The things we experience as children can truly have a very significant effect on our lives later on. Whether I want to admit it or not my trauma still catches up to me in my day-to-day life.
Being molested as a child affects the way we think, the way we perceive things, our ability to regulate emotions and so much more.
Know that the following emotions are completely normal after dealing with such a “not normal” experience.
- Please take note that I am in no way a mental health professional and am writing solely from my personal experience and research. Getting groomed in childhood can affect people differently and not all survivors have the same experience as I do.
- Trigger Warning: The following may involve information that can be sensitive to those coping with PTSD due to sexual abuse or to childhood sexual abuse survivors in general.
10 Long Term Effects Of Grooming
1. Talking About It Sucks But So Does Staying Quiet
Talking about it makes it feel that much more real. You feel exposed and are scared of being judged or looked at in a different manner. It takes so much effort to get the words to come out and it hurts like hell. Nobody seems to understand what you are trying to express anyway because you aren’t even completely sure how you feel so what’s the damn point. On the other hand, staying quiet doesn’t suck any less. You feel alone and stuck in your own head and want someone to lean on. You need someone to validate your feelings or just a way to feel less alone, you want someone to hear the screams and meet the needs of your inner child that weren’t met. Keeping quiet and trying to keep a strong front while breaking down on the inside is exhausting.
2. Nobody Seems Trustworthy
After getting groomed as a child you often feel like everyone and everything is dangerous. You become scared of being too naive and getting used once again and are just not willing to take the risk. Even people who you truly love and that prove that they are extremely trustworthy fall under this category. No matter how hard you try you can not let go because the fear of getting hurt again is too strong. You know that you might not be able to bear another fall.
3. You Hate Your Body
What’s there to love? You don’t even feel like your body belongs to you. How could you not hate your body when all you see when you look in the mirror is a crime scene? Although you know and understand that you are not to blame, the things that happened are not your fault you still can’t help but feel disgusted in your own skin. You feel used, worthless, and dirty no matter how many fucking showers you take. Seeing your reflection is horrifying, having to deal with the fact that you now have the body of a woman. Understanding that you will never be the innocent child you once were again.
{Related Post-What *not* to say to someone with PTSD]
4. You Find It Hard To Believe Yourself
Often the memories of the abuse are repressed because the child can not process such a dark and confusing experience at that point in time. For me and many others when the memories did come up we didn’t believe they were real. It was easier to tell myself that it was all in my head, that this could not have happened to me, this was not a part of my story. Sometimes I still convince myself that it can’t possibly be real. I still can’t completely wrap my mind around the fact that there are humans capable of such pure evil in this world. I so desperately want it all to be fake, to go back to the way that things were before, I want my childhood back.
5. You Feel Unlovable
For me experiencing childhood sexual abuse completely messed with my sense of self-worth. I felt disgusted in my own skin, I was full of shame and to this day I still struggle with the feeling that I am not worthy of love. Many of us who go through childhood sexual trauma blame ourselves or carry some form of guilt or shame due to the abuse. We feel as though we are not lovable. Why would anyone love us after all that has happened? How do they not see the monster we see every time we look in the mirror?
6. You Have To Be In Control
When experiencing sexual abuse we are not in control of our bodies or the situation. We lose control at the time of the assault and we fear that we will lose control again. Even when it comes to the most minor decisions, things, or situations. We need to feel that we are in control, and that the decision is ours to make.This is a very common phemouon amonst adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse. If you are like me you will do anything and everything in your power to never feel even slightly as you did at the times of the abuse again.
{Related Post-The Truth About Living With PTSD On The Bad Days]
7. You Crave Sexual Validation But Fear Sexual Intimacy
This is one of the most common long term effects of sexual abuse. You need to know that your body is worth more than the suffering and pain it has experienced. You want so badly to know and feel that you are worthy. You want to experience sexual intimacy and feel that you are present and in control of the situation. You need to know that sexual interactions can be positive and that you can enjoy them. With that being said sexual intimacy can still be quite terrifying. The situation can trigger memories from the assault. Certain feelings or sensations can remind you of the trauma and even lead to an emotional or physical flashback. You may also fear that the situation will get out of control once again. It is very common for sexual interactions to become complicated and confusing after experiencing childhood sexual abuse.
8. You Have To Voice Your Opinion
Childhood sexual abuse can make you feel unheard. Nobody heard your internal or external cries for help at the time of the abuse and you have to make sure that your voice is now heard. This is not necessarily only on subjects that regard our abuse but in general. We do not want to be silenced once again. We want others to hear our voices while we can still scream. And fear feeling weak and powerless once again and want to prove to ourselves and others that our voice is worthy and relevant. That we can and should be heard.
9. You Are Always Waiting For The Next Bad Thing To Happen
Commonly after experiencing sexual assault we feel as though the world is against us. Going through such a horrible experience especially as a child often leads to extreme confusion and to a mindset that the world is no more than a dark and dangerous place. Many of us who have survived child sexual abuse feel consistently on edge. We live with the internal feeling that we are always unsafe because our feeling of safety was taken away from us. We expect the worst to happen and in a way are always waiting for the worst to come. There is no doubt that this world can be very cruel but we must not forget that the darkness does not take away from the light that the world has to offer.
{Related Post-7 Things People With PTSD Want You To Know}
10. You Consistently Self Sabotage
It is quite common to become your own worst enemy after experiencing grooming in childhood. As mentioned before childhood sexual trauma can lead to the belief that the world is inherently against us. This belief can lead us to make bad decisions and hurt ourselves. In our minds, it will happen either way.
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